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"When We Are Weak. . ."
Karin Paparelli
Recently my family and I traveled to Nashville, Tennessee. I was invited
to sing at the Christian Country Music Association (CCMA) annual awards
convention. What excitement! What joy! What a trip we had planned. Then
it happened. An intense pain in my lower back three days before we were
due to leave. I went to the doctor, reluctantly, and was told that I had
injured a disk in the lumbar region of my back. I was instructed to spend
the next week flat on my back as much as possible. I was not to sit, twist,
bend or lift! Standing was OK, so was singing. Off to Nashville we went!
The day before I left for Tennessee, I laid on the bed and looked up to
heaven, and spoke to my Heavenly Father, "OK God, you've got my attention
now. I'm listening." I could almost hear Him say, "Do I? Must
I flatten you to get your attention?" Sadly enough, yes. I spend
so much time building His kingdom that I can easily neglect the most important
building of all, my relationship with my God.
I've spent most of my life relying upon my own self sufficiency. I know.
I know. I am not supposed to. I am supposed to die to self and lean upon
the mighty hand of God to carry me through all of life's ups and downs.
Oh, I have tried. But the truth is I like being self reliant. I like taking
care of things myself. I know I can depend on me. I have been very reliable,
and a hard worker. I try to be faithful in the little things and courageous
in the mighty. I know that the Lord is trustworthy too, I just seem to
be unwilling to relinquish all of the control into His Hands. I'm sure
there is some deep root of insecurity. Perhaps it resulted from that time
so many years ago, when the baby swing broke in mid air. With me in it!.
I've had a hard time trusting since (and I don't like roller coasters).
I have always done so much merely because I could. I earnestly believed
I was being a good steward of all of my resources and talents, and I still
believe this is an important goal, however we need not do it in our own
strength. We should dare not do it in our own strength. But how many of
us do? I do. Guilty as charged. Why? That is what I've been asking myself
these past few weeks. You see I went to Nashville and I sang. With an
injured spine and a sinus infection from a mold allergy, I sang! Moments
before I was to sing I could hardly breathe from my nose, yet when I stood
on stage my nose was clear. Yes, I had to rely upon God and I liked it.
Hey the pressure was off me and on Him. He had opened the door for me
to go to Nashville and now it was up to Him to work out His purpose in
and through me. I still don't know all that was accomplished during our
trip.
Well, being in Tennessee, I got a lot of rest. More than I even get at
home. I came home feeling much better, but four days later my back was
in pain again. Why? I thought I had cut back, but obviously not enough.
It is amazing how much we use our backs in a day! Again I raised my eyes
to Heaven and asked, "What? What do You want of me?" And I could
hear my Father say, "You. That is what I want from you. Not what
you do or what you know. Not your gifts of praise or even worship. I simply
want you. I want you to rest in Me. I want you to spend more time with
Me. Don't bring me lists of intercession, or petitions. Don't try to impress
me with your wit, or wisdom or song. Just come and sit with me. I want
to teach you to rely on me and me alone."
Wow. I thought I did, but the truth is I still rely very much on me to
get things done. With three kids being home-schooled and a myriad of ministry
responsibilities it should be interesting to see how this all works out.
I must admit it is quite a thrill to let go and see what God will do.
I have done that occasionally but I haven't had to live that way. I am
resigned to just sit back and let God do it all. I know it won't be easy.
I feel the pruning knife as it trims away all that is non essential for
growth, that I may grow even more into the likeness of Jesus Christ.
My friend Jill and I were talking recently and she shared about a time
in her life when she was bedridden. Her friends came to clean and cook
for her. They helped care for her children, but they could never stay
to just visit. Daily they came and went, busy doing good things for good
reasons and yet my friend suffered from acute loneliness. Is that our
relationship with the Lord. Do we spend much of our time doing for Him
rather than being with Him?
He doesn't need our good deeds. He doesn't need our good gifts. He can
do it all, have it all. All he really wants is our attention, our affection,
our time. When was the last time you sat with the Father, and let Him
do all of the talking? He longs to embrace us today. I hope that it will
not take such extreme measures to get your attention as it did mine. No
matter the cost, this lesson has been well learned.
I have been in the care of an excellent chiropractor, Dr. Lloyd Reiter,
who recently informed me that I will still need to spend one more month
on my back before this is healed. I pray that this time will be used wisely.
I am not the only one being pruned, so is my husband. You know the two
are one thing. This is not easy on him either. Besides all this the timing
is real interesting. We are at the end of our adoption process awaiting
our new daughter. I realize what a rare privilege it is to spend a month
just sitting with my Heavenly Father. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Released
from that tyrant within. Oh, I do pray that I will treasure this precious
time. I also pray for my dear husband. This injury adds much to his already
full workday. Mostly I pray that we will learn quickly so that "this
too shall pass" and soon.
However, I know my Lord is so very faithful; a Master gardener. If I do
not learn this lesson now, He will patiently remind me another way. He
knows me better than I know myself, and he knows how to get my attention.
I have been reminded that when we are weak, He is strong for His strength
is made perfect in our weakness. Lord show yourself strong through our
weakness that we may boast in You alone and that all glory may be yours!
May you walk in His grace. Thy kingdom come!
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